Was That Really Funny?

Almost everyone has been talking about the $1.5 billion Mega Millions lottery; the second largest jackpot in history. It was announced this morning that there was one winning ticket. (Lotteries with super huge jackpots and few winners tend to make me question whether or not these games are rigged. But that's something on which I can ruminate for another blog.)

When people come into large sums of money, it is inevitable that very distant relatives, friends and acquaintances will show up on their doorsteps with outstretched hands, looking for their share. And there have been many jokes about the convoluted connections between these people. These cartoons are innocuous and funny:

A few days ago, I noticed that two of my Facebook "friends" (a male and a female) posted a lottery related meme that I found to be in very poor taste. Their friends reacted by using the laughing, Ha-Ha, emoji and posting things like: "I seriously burst out laughing at this one." "I nearly died laughing I so love you." "Define 'inappropriately'." (The first two were comments made by women; the second, a man.) So what was this meme that had me asking myself, Was That Really Funny? This...

The Supreme Court confirmation hearing for Judge Brett Kavanaugh caused a lot of people to point fingers and argue over who was telling the truth. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford was criticized for coming forward with her story of sexual assault. She did so reluctantly and the Kavanaugh supporters did everything they could to make a mockery of her claims. It is disheartening to continually see and hear people downplaying the effects of sexual assault, abuse and inappropriate conduct.

This morning I'd reached the point where I could no longer be silent. I made the decision to speak up and was prepared for the responses that my comment might elicit. I posted the following statement in response to both friends' postings - "To you and others who have posted this meme, I find this comment to be crass and demeaning. Being inappropriately touched is nothing to laugh about."

I received an immediate response, from a woman, on the male friend's page: "Lighten up, Phoenicia. The ability to laugh about heavy subjects keeps us sane. Sorry you feel bad, though." To which I replied, "I have a great ability to laugh about things. I just won’t do it at the expense of the others." Her response was, "Good for you. Guess you're far better than the rest." My final reply was, "Maybe I am." Hers, "And maybe not...except in your own world. Who knows?" I'd thought about reminding her that she was the one who suggested that I might be "better than the rest" but I find it best to drop things before it becomes a total pissing contest. I only hope that I have given her something to think about. Maybe she will ask herself, "Was That Really Funny?"

I also received a quick response from the female "friend" who posted the meme. She said, "I have empathy for those that have been “inappropriately touched” but on the other hand-this claim has been overtly abused in itself. Sorry." My response was, "Overly abused or overlooked and dismissed for too long???" She responded with, "Both. The abused and the innocent people being accused of this." Again, I opted to let it drop here. Maybe she will ask herself, "Was That Really Funny?"

I'm not entirely sure what bothered me the most about that meme. I found it disturbing on many levels and had many questions. For one, how can people be making jokes about inappropriate touching? Secondly, how can women be so indifferent about this topic? Thirdly, I found it personally offensive. Most anyone who has been a victim of such behavior will tell you that they have felt shamed by the experience. Shame keeps people from telling others about what happened. That, and not being believed.

Naiveté and shame kept me from speaking up when I was inappropriately touched by my gynecologist. Yes, my gynecologist! A man whom I thought I could trust because he was a doctor. As I was lying naked on the the exam table, barely covered by a flimsy paper gown and paper drape, Dr. Jack Lipman said, "You could stand to lose twenty pounds. Five pounds here, here, here and here!" With each word "here" one of his hands grabbed me on each hip and thigh. I was mortified. My feelings were hurt. I didn't know what to say or do in that moment. I do know that I felt great shame. I felt unattractive and worthless. I hated being grabbed like that. I was no more than 25 or 26 at the time and married for less than 5 years. I didn't say anything to anyone about this for many, many years, not even to my husband. Sadly, I kept this man as my gynecologist for quite a few years. I reasoned that I only had to see him once a year and I could deal with that.

I was raised to respect physicians and because I was young, naive and shy I was not able to argue with or question any doctor about their behavior. Over time, as I grew older and wiser, I realized just how inappropriate Dr. Lipman had been with me and began sharing the story of my experience with others. I no longer feel the shame. I have learned that it's ok to stand up for myself and speak out when I disagree. My current physician certainly knows that. He even told me that I can be "overbearing at times." My response to that took no time at all. I looked him in the eyes and said, "Maybe I have to be in order to get things done." I question him on just about everything. I want to be fully informed on all aspects of my healthcare. And if he, or any other person, should ever do or say anything that I deem to be inappropriate, I will not hesitate to speak up!

If I see something else posted on Facebook that I feel is inappropriate or offensive to me, or others, I will continue to speak up. I will not hesitate to ask, "Was That Really Funny?"